Sunday, January 11, 2009

You are exceding the speed limit....

Life just speeds along doesn't it? Until you find a speed bump.

Grandma went on hospice last week on Thursday. Dad, Helen and I drove up to see her. She is doing well. She is alert and still has her personality, her spunk.

She told me that she wanted me to find that special person in my life. Dad told her about Chad. She told me to take good care of him. And that I deserved a good man.

She apologized for not being able to spend more time with me but she always thought about me. She told me that I had been dealt a lot of bad things in my life and that I didn't deserve them. But those things are that made me me. Where and what I be without them?

She reminded me to never forget where my power source comes from. If you (dear readers) don't know where your power source comes from, you're in for a bumpy road.

She kept talking about writing down what happens, she told me she had a drawer full of journals in her desk, and not one had one stroke in it. She has so many stories she has never told. All those stories will be gone. She asked me to tell her a story about my work and I really couldn't think of anything that was worth telling, I know I have had stories to tell from my work, but why couldn't I think of ANY one?

When I was younger I dreamed of being a writer, maybe I need to do that. But what to write about?

Some days I just get so tired of helping other people. Why do people have to be so needy, so many just expect the world to take care of their problems. Some days I would just like to shake them and tell them to wake up and figure their stuff out. Especially the ones that Choose to be the way they are. The system is there for those who Need it, but the Users of the system are the ones that make me angry.

She was so happy to see me. She didn't want me to leave and truely I didn't want too either, but we had to come back home.

Really I didn't want to say goodbye.

My brother and his wife and boys are going to go see her today, they will spend tonight up there and come back tomorrow. Matt somehow convinced Mom to go with him. I'm afraid what she and Grandma will say to each other. I know Grandma has a speach ready for her. Sometimes I wonder what happened when Mom was young, what made her the way she is? Everything that happens in our lives makes us who we are....what happened to her. Maybe someday she will decide to make her children apart of her life again and I can try to figure it out.


Avlor said...

By writing this down, you made time slow for just a bit. We're here for you. I just started going to a knitting group on Thursdays - you're welcome to come with. Give me a call.

caillie said...

You and the family are in our prayers. Enjoy this little time you have with her before she has to go. I know it is not easy seeing the changes that will be taking place. But you are strong and can be strong for the other family members when they need it.

Sarah said...

It's never easy.

You are in my prayers!